Wednesday, 9 October 2013
My mind is all over the place
I’m finding it very hard to focus at the moment. I could name all kinds of reasons – a lingering head cold, Louis who keeps demanding my attention, but this goes deeper than that. I’m worried because a man has shown an interest in me. How crazy is that? The problem is he’s pretty awesome. I can almost feel his intellect and it scares me. I’ve always avoided overly intelligent men, not because I can’t keep up with them, intellectually, because I can, but because I’ve always had this huge feeling of unworthiness. When I was young, I met all kinds of people – low lifes all the way through to professional people. Which ones did I date/marry/etc? Well let’s just say NOT the professionals.
I remember one time I went to Sandown racecourse with a lovely man called Richard. He was an all-round nice man with a great job and a family who were very well off. We had great day, helped by the fact that I kept backing winners, but did I see him again? Of course not. He was much too good for me. Whatever would his parents have thought if they ever met me? I wore clothes that came from jumble sales. My father worked for the Guinness brewery in London, cleaning tanks.
Now another intelligent man, with a great sense of humour and who shares many of my interests is in the wings and it’s a struggle not to scupper it before it’s even started. I’m going to try not to do that. I feel as though this is a test of my mettle. A way to see whether or not I’m ready to take some leaps of faith and start a new life. After all, that’s why I’ve been clearing the decks.
I’ve often felt as though I’m actually two people. One of them is a pain in the ***, always putting me down, pointing out all my imperfections and all the things that can go wrong. The other person has a hard time being heard. She wants to enjoy life, have fun. She thinks she’s OK and that she doesn’t have to be perfect providing she has a go, or does her best. I know which one of those two people I want to be but that doesn’t make it any easier. I’ve been listening to the bitchy critical negative voice for so long it’s going to take some serious will power to shut her up, but I’m going to give it a go.
So, Woman’s Weekly, People’s Friend and Fiction Feast, how about buying some of my stories? That might just motivate me to write some more, then, who knows what might happen.
My new life starts here.